Hi, I’m back. I’m not dead. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel awkward or nervous about writing this post because I am. A couple of weeks ago I tweeted out that I’d be taking a break from blogging for a week or so. Since then I feel I have been practically a ghost on all forms of social media. For the most part I was either silently liking and retweeting stuff or not even interacting at all. First of all I want to apologise, if you have commented on anything on here or mentioned me on twitter or followed me and I haven’t responded yet I am so sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been liking, commenting or trying to promote and support you guys on here. I love to chat and support you all and I feel awful for not doing what I normally do.
This absence of mine is because a really bad bout of depression set in. When I get in states like that I kind of curl in on myself and stop interacting with people because I cannot physically do it. My heart isn’t in it and I don’t want to fake happiness and I also don’t want to be a downer and make people depressed or mad at me for being so dark and depressing. When this kind of depression sinks in I lose interest in everything and everything seems like too much hassle. This time that also unfortunately included blogging which is something I get so much joy out of doing. Hell even my love of anime has been dwindling these past few weeks and that scares me. Up until today I haven’t properly touched a keyboard in what seems like forever. I also struggle with self-esteem issues and so over the past few days I have been wondering if anyone has noticed my absence or would notice if I never returned to the blogging scene. Currently I’m trying to get some help for how I’m feeling but it’s a struggle.
I didn’t want to jump right back into blogging and social media without explaining myself and pretending everything is fine now. As much as I try to be positive and supportive I’m only human and sometimes things are too much for me. Since I have such a weird and messed up thought process I find in these hard times that it is best for me to disappear for a while and come back when I have perked up a bit. Today is a day where I have managed to perk up and bit and actually sit down and type something. This is a good sign and I’m hoping I will continue to perk up a bit each day.
The one thing that I don’t want to come from this post is that I’m asking for attention. In fact I’m the kind of person who tries to keep attention away from themselves in fear of being a bother. I spend a lot of time keeping things to myself I think for once I wanted to let someone, whoever may be reading this what I’m really feeling. I’m a bit tired of bottling everything up. Nothing is going to cure me or change my mental state at the moment, besides finding some professional help, but I just wanted to come on here and be honest. I’m unsure whether this could be classed as a vent or rant or not. Whatever it might be it’s not like what I usually post.
I want my blog and my social media to be a fairly upbeat and positive space for anyone who visits. I try my hardest to make content that is good and isn’t going to be a downer for people when reading. I love being silly, passionate and adding humour to what I do. Even if it’s doing a review of something that I found appalling I like to add humour or sarcasm to make it entertaining and fun. I want to interact with you guys with the best, most positive and caring attitude I could possibly give you. I love helping people and making people happy and feel good about themselves. I know this post is far from positive and upbeat and I apologise for that being the case. I don’t want to come across that I’m asking for support or attention or anything like that. I’m not, that isn’t the intention of this post. In fact whilst writing this my brain has convinced me that someone will get mad or upset with me for this post or the fact I haven’t been doing what I normally do. My brain somehow thinks someone will be annoyed at me because I’m human and not some constant positivity robot. I know none of this makes sense but that’s how screwed up my mind is currently and trying to escape these thoughts isn’t easy.
I’m hoping to start writing and scheduling posts again soon and get my schedule back up and running. All I ask is that you guys be patient with me while I dig my way out of all this. You guys have all been so amazing to me so far and I hope you continue to support and interact with me even when I have times like this. This post is going to be one of the few times where I feel like I’m being a total downer and have nothing of real substance to bring to the table but I hope you guys have some better understanding of how I’m feeling right now. I think all I want is for others to understand me a bit better. I’m not asking for help or a cure just for some acceptance and understanding.
If you have gotten this far then thank you so much for reading this and I hope you are having a good day today.